And so she let it be
by RosyRock
Summary: This is a Beverly Crusher AU story. A little dark & angsty. My first TNG. Please let me know what you think of it.


Paramount owns them all. I just lure them into a static warp bubble where anything goes.

This is an AU story.

And so she let it be…

"No, not again"... The moan was low and soft, filled with sadness and a thread of anger at the weakness of will that arises from the sleeping mind.

Another night consumed by the swirling phantoms of the past that could not be stilled. The thoughts, passions, terrors and never ending regrets played out again and again in the theater of the mind.

"Computer- lights"

The brilliant starkness of the illumination was as physical as a blow. There would be no more sleep tonight.

Beverly Crusher slipped out of bed, pulling on a silky robe to cover her nakedness. She had been too tired after a long shift in sick bay to put anything on before bed, tired enough she'd thought, to sleep so deep that the nightmares would not be able claw their way to the surface.

It was always like this.

Nobody knew just how deeply their CMO was troubled by her private world. Those closest to her caught just a glimpse.

Deanna could sometimes feel the turmoil. Jean Luc would notice the dark shadows on her face caused by the lack of restful sleep,

But Beverly was not one to share her problems.

And so she let it be…..

How could she talk about her demons? What would they think of her if they knew?

The things she had done to stay alive on Arveda. The things she had done to forget.

Her mind wandered back to the past. The men, the booze, the drugs, the blessed lack of feeling that came from having sunk so low there was nowhere else to go.

What would they think of her?

To them she was the Ice maiden, the cool thinking, unflappable doctor.

She knew the real Beverly however, and she didn't like her one bit.

After Arveda everything changed. The happy go lucky girl with the wonder of the universe in her eyes had died as surely as the inhabitants of that doomed colony.

She found ways to forget, to blot out feeling.

Sex would do it; alcohol fueled mindless sex, and ohh the blissful velvet floating of the narcotics that chilled the body along with the mind.

She was floating when Walker Keel had first seen her. Sitting at a table in the corner of the bar. Drink in hand, her red hair flowing down around her.

To him she seemed like a wounded angel. To her he was a way to exhaust the body and forget.

They went home together.

When she awoke from a fitful sleep he was getting her breakfast. She couldn't say why but his act of kindness angered her. She threw the food against the wall hoping he would get angry enough to hit her- hard. Beat the shit out of her and end it. All he did was ask her if she didn't like toast.

She felt her mouth make the tiniest smile.

She became a fixture in his life; he watched her destructive path to Hell. He decided to save her.

If Beverly noticed he was there in the background, she gave no sign.

Then one night she almost got her wish. The man she had picked up was violent beyond her experience.

He had used her, and then started to punch her, kick her, to kill her.

"Do it! Do it!" her mind chanted,

but the blows had stopped and then Walker stood above her whispering words of comfort.

She stayed with Walker while her body slowly healed. He asked her, "Why do you do it?"

She turned away from him, a tear tracing its way down her bruised and swollen cheek.

"I'll help you" he said.

"No one can do that" she whispered.

One day Walker brought a friend home with him. A man who offered all she needed.

Walker Keel watched the romance happen. Jack was perfect for her. A clean slate.

Beverly walked numbly through it all. It had gotten too serious with Jack, too fast. Should she tell him about the real Beverly?

Walker would know.

"Let it be, It's in the past," he said "Jack really loves you, Let it be, He'll help you"

"No one can do that." she whispered

And so she let it be……

Then the shock of discovering she was pregnant.

Jack talking of marriage. Oh God! Did she love him? She didn't know.

He made things safe, made things normal. Wasn't that enough? Could she keep using him to forget? Swap one addiction for another?

Then came the moment.

"Jean Luc, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, - Beverly"

The spark of attraction between them both, not only physical, but of the soul.

After so many men- why now when it's impossible?

The wretchedness of that love, when the seed of another lay in her womb.

And so she let it be……

Playing happy families until the day her secret love had brought her husband's dead body back to her. After the funeral, the nightmares, waking screaming. Jean Luc running, thinking her grief had done this to her. Not knowing that Jack's death had just added another dimension to the hell that was sleep.

Holding him, his kisses to comfort, then to dry the tears.

Oh God the feel of him. Wanting more. The moment when he realizes this and lays with her,

Does to her what she has wanted him to do for so many years.

The sweet release of passion, the heavy burden of guilt.

He leaves, she knows he can't handle the situation...Be careful what you wish for...

And so she let it be……

Assigned to the Enterprise, only the best CMO for this starship.

When they meet, he treats her so formally, ah! So that's how we will play the game, my love.

Time passes.

It is enough to be near him, but the terrors of the night never leave.

He sees the pain written on her soul and says, "Talk to me, maybe I can help you."

Beverly sighs, "No one can do that" she whispers

But this time, he will not let it be…..


End file.
